Sometimes life hits us between the eyes and gives us an unexpected turn of events. The shock and resulting shock may make us question why it happened. Have we been bad, is it karma, do we deserve this? The answer is usually a resounding ‘no’. It is what it is, no more and no less than that. But nevertheless, we have to deal with it and recover.
When our world falls apart, others may not appreciate the magnitude of what we are going through or how what happened has affected us. Consequently, comments that are derogatory, superficial, perhaps even offensive, can come our way as we struggle to simply get out of bed.
Even friends and family may not appreciate the heartbreak we are going through, how such things are so devastating to us. When we miss being pregnant for another month and hear a cheery, ‘you’re young, you’ve got plenty of time, there’s always next month!’ Or when they are dissatisfied that our beloved cat has not returned home and we hear comments like, ‘you will get another one, it’s just an animal’, showing that they don’t understand how much our beloved pet means, how they are such an important part of the family. Or even comments like “there are many more fish in the sea” when our last relationship ends.
We can feel overwhelmed when we have invested so much of ourselves in something that doesn’t materialize or come to fruition. Grief and loss are often experienced at these difficult times in life. Even when we have had time to prepare for what is to come, it can still be a devastating loss. We can manage to maintain a stoic exterior, seem calm, unfazed and resilient, but on the inside or when we are alone, it is often a different story. Our world has collapsed taking with it our plans, hopes and dreams for the future.
How can we cope when our world has collapsed and we are experiencing such a sense of loss?
– Keep your own board. Avoid comparing yourself to others. Your feelings, challenges and situation are very different from theirs. Accept that others may not be as empathetic or understanding as you would like them to be, possibly through no fault of their own. It can be disappointing, hard to bear, but there’s little we can do when they just don’t understand.
– Choose who you share your story with. Be careful about randomly exposing too much of yourself and your feelings at such a vulnerable time. It’s easy to absorb a lot of other people’s comments, advice, and input, but ask yourself, would they really do what they so freely advise you to do if they were you?
– Listen to others it can bring its own stress, prompting us to make inappropriate decisions and choices. When they are being so ‘supportive’, we can feel that it is polite to listen and follow their advice. We may even regard them as experts, feel compelled to trust their judgment, defer to their wisdom, indulge in the most persuasive argument or the most popular point of view. Listening to others can provide ideas and information, help us move our thoughts, but at the end of the day it’s your life. They are not as interested in the result as you are.
– Check your perspective, how do you feel? Some days are more positive than others, those others we take everything personally. When you are aware of how much you can influence each situation, you can have more control over your responses.
– Consider therapy if you suspect you have longstanding unresolved issues. Getting help is a positive way to learn from what happened, allowing you to pick yourself up and then move on. And working with a neutral professional who has the skills to provide the right kind of support can be an important way to help you turn the tide.
– Recognize that loss and endings bring with them different stages of grievance. You may go through all of them, some more than once. Stages can include denial, anger, depression, bargaining/bargaining until you come to accept where you are. Everything can take time, without limit in each individual case.
– There are many types of external help. if you are not looking for individual therapy. Online forums and discussion groups can connect you with people with similar stories where you can share tips, advice, or sometimes just tears and company. Knowing that you are not alone can bring peace of mind and comfort.
– Take the focus away from yourself. Offer yourself as a volunteer, share the lessons learned, your views and your sensitivity by giving time and supporting others. When you help others, it often helps you too. You will find that some people will have had tough and stressful experiences, others may need to know that companionship and support is available. Get involved and recognize your own growth, strength and resilience.
Above all, appreciate that things take their own time, but resolution will eventually come.
