Do you feel in control of your life? Or do you feel like a puppet because someone else is pulling your strings? Have you set yourself aside to play the role of man, husband or father, or woman, wife or mother that your parents and society taught you? If you answered “yes” to any of the questions, are you really happy?
I discovered “puppet syndrome” early in my practice as a marriage and family therapist. When some of my clients shared their dilemmas, I had the image of a puppet. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I asked them to imagine they were a puppet and look up to see who was pulling their strings. Their responses included their mothers, fathers, partners, bosses, friends, or religious leaders. Sometimes their children were even in control. Needless to say, these customers were not very happy or satisfied.
Why do we give our power to others? I believe we are born with basic survival instincts. If we feel like the only way we can be loved and cared for is by pleasing our parents, we can let go of our true selves and be who they want us to be. We become “people pleasers.” That survival technique becomes part of our personality, and even as adults, we continue to say and do what others want to be safe and accepted.
What are some of the typical responses of a “puppet”? “I’ll be happy to do whatever you want to do.” “I’m okay with whatever you want.” “Tell me what you decide, and I’ll be fine with your decision.” “Whatever you say, I will.” I guess we all say these things from time to time. However, the difference is that we are speaking our truth in that moment. People who give their power to others often do not express what they really feel or want. They will pretend to be who and how others want them to be.
It goes without saying that these men and women who are controlled by their fears of survival are very unhappy and may suffer from depression. They are likely to numb their emotional pain with addictions. “Puppets” often have physical problems because they hide their true feelings, including their anger and resentment. Nobody likes to be controlled! When they feel miserable enough, they can go to therapy and discover the causes of their deceitful behaviors. In severe cases, men and women are not even in touch with their wishes, if asked, because they buried them so deeply.
The healing for these “people pleasers” is believing that they can express themselves in words and actions and be accepted, loved and safe. They can then cut the “puppet strings” and be in control of their lives. They may feel comfortable making “I” statements, such as “I would like to go to this movie. I don’t like that one.”
Most people love being with “pleasers” because they feel like they are in control and getting what they want. However, if you are “pulling the strings” of another person, you are likely to pay a price by experiencing their passive aggression. For example, they may be late, forget what you want them to remember, have affairs, or, to your surprise, one day file for divorce.
If someone tries to give me their power, I refuse to accept it and be in control. I say, “That doesn’t work for me. Tell me what you really want and let’s come to a win-win deal.” That suits me better, because I want to be with equals. I also don’t want to be boomeranged or hit later for their passive aggressive behavior.
If you feel like a puppet, let go of your fears of not being able to be who you are and be accepted, loved, or safe. Then you will be much happier because the answer to the question “Who runs your life?” it will be you!
