This is a funny short story about lying. Lying is a learned skill. Some people are good at it and some are not. Poker players can’t win without being good at it. Politicians cannot be elected without perfecting the art. As parents, we have to be able to detect it. The key for the liar is to know when to try (you can get away with it) and when to show restraint. Fortunately, most of our young children are really bad now, but I predict that unfortunately they will get better as they get older. This funny short story won’t help you deal with lying, but hopefully it will cheer you up while you do it.
We have two children; they are approximately the same age (girl-9 and boy-7). They’re also roughly the same size, which becomes important when fists are flying, but doesn’t really come into play for lying. As you’ve no doubt guessed by now (based on your own experience), the most common case is a pair of fingers pointing in the opposite direction.
I know SOMEONE did. It’s not even worth asking Mom if SHE did it because when was the last time Mom mistakenly (or lazily) dropped a half-eaten candy cane on your carpet floor? And sure, I had a couple of drinks last night, but I don’t even LIKE candy canes. No, the culprit is definitely standing right in front of me. All I have to do is find out who he is.
Here’s the fun part: while I’m planning my next move in response to the finger-twist of accusations, the guilty party rears their ass!… and for the life of me I can’t figure out why! Maybe it’s because neither (or at least the culprit) took the time to ponder how even Sherlock Holmes wouldn’t know where to start. It is not out of fear; I haven’t even raised my voice to any of them (I’m saving it for the right moment, like it’s the first time one of them has drunk and driven or committed some other life-threatening sin of stupidity).
The punishment is less. Pick up the candy cane and spend a minute or so scrubbing the sticky carpet with a damp sponge…or if the offense was failing to save the Wii video game, you lose a day of access to the device. My best guess is that the lack of sting included in the punishment is what is helping in the perpetrator discovery phase.
Children do not fare any better in the flip side scenario. “Who spilled food coloring all over the fireplace?” it produces the two pointing fingers, but only one of them is covered in purple food coloring. It’s hard not to laugh.
Another funny story (shorter but funnier), about a year ago I went for a walk with my friend and his two children. In the interest of his privacy, I do not confirm or deny that this friend is related to me, or even that this friend exists outside of my vivid imagination. Anyway, I’m talking on my cell phone and at some point there’s a commotion that catches my eye. I hear my friend say, “I’m sure he wasn’t TRYING to kick you!” The boy intervenes: “I was trying to kick her, but I missed and kicked his bike instead of hers.”
Well, there you have it. They have a lot to learn before they graduate from law school. In the meantime, let’s appreciate their lack of skill in the art of deception, in the hope that they take as long as possible to figure it out. Meanwhile, it also provides plenty of material for a fun short story.
DISCLAIMER: While the events described above are representative of actual events in the life of the author, story details may be blurred or embellished for the benefit of reader enjoyment and for the benefit of SEO (search engine optimization; the key phrase is ” funny story”… Admit it, that’s what you typed in the search box).
