I have witnessed countless people over the course of the last eight (extremely long) years whose lives have literally been turned upside down due to the selfish and unnecessary act caused by the betrayal of infidelity.
I say unnecessary, because infidelity is really unnecessary. It is an avoidable and unnecessary act that anyone could do to another human being. The pain it causes is immeasurable. It is similar to the feeling one would feel when a loved one dies. I cannot express this with enough urgency or depth. The pain is excruciating and extremely difficult to overcome.
The lives of these women, men (and children) have been forever altered by the discovery, repercussions, and aftermath of an adventure. Of course, marriages and relationships can survive infidelity. With a lot of hard work, new commitment, dedication, and total transparency, a relationship can be saved. Unfortunately, there will be persistent triggers and setbacks for the long betrayed.
What people who make the conscious decision to get involved in an adventure (yes, this is a decision!) Do not realize, or anticipate or plan, are the lives that are ultimately destroyed as a consequence; especially when the final decision is made to dissolve the marriage or relationship.
Women who have spent decades with a man only to discover his misdemeanor (who ultimately decide to leave the marriage) suffer greatly, especially if she had been a homemaker for most of her adult life with no degree to fall back on. These women suffer a tremendous and drastic lifestyle change, due to the loss of assets, money and support. While there may be a division of assets, alimony awarded, and child support in place, these women still face a near, if not literal, level of poverty; he is often forced to seek help with the welfare system. This is not always the case, but sadly, a large number of women are faced with this. Women are often victims of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Self-esteem is greatly diminished, as well as self-image. These women wonder “Who will love me now?” Or start wondering if they are worthy of love.
Men whose wives cheat on them end up losing half of their assets, probably have to pay alimony and child support, and also undergo a major lifestyle change. A great deal of anger and frustration arises from the injustice of this; That’s right. Depression is also quite common. I have witnessed men literally on the verge of suicide due to the feelings of deprivation they suffer after a wife leaves them.
Kids. In my opinion, children are the most affected by infidelity; especially when the marriage is not reconcilable and dissolves in divorce. Children suffer from guilt that it was somehow their fault, confusion, emotional distress, a feeling that life is unpredictable and unstable. They lose basic feelings of trust at a young age. Grades are generally affected due to depression. Their familiar unit that they knew is no longer there. One day mom or dad suddenly get up and walk away and walk away, leaving a great deal of despair. Depression, anger, outbursts, behavior changes is a sad reality.
Extended family and mutual friends are also affected. The domino effect is one of amazing, powerful and hard hits; sometimes in unexpected ways with unexpected results. Believe me, the friends you once thought you could count on to be there for you, may or may not actually end up being there for you when all is in sight. Some “friends” may irrationally fear that infidelity or divorce is contagious and will want to leave the friendship for a while. As irrational as it sounds, and as much as the support of friends is needed, especially during a crisis of this magnitude; some simply choose to hold off. Some who have never experienced this kind of tragedy or pain may not even know HOW to relate to you.
Extended families can be divided, and often end up taking sides. Bitterness, scrutiny, finger pointing, and guilt set in.
Infidelity affects EVERYONE in your circle of life.
One thing that impacts me greatly is that the betrayed tend to search uneasily within themselves for blame. I want to be very, very clear about one important aspect of infidelity: none of this is the victim’s fault. So please don’t accept blaming yourself if you are a victim.
There is not a single justifiable excuse a traitor can use to justify the act of infidelity. Oh trust me, they’ll use every excuse in the book to justify it; which in turn causes even deeper pain to the betrayed if they accept the excuses.
Infidelity is NOT about the betrayed (it’s not about you). Infidelity has to do with the traitor. Please remember that. YOU are not the problem, the cause, or the justification. Full responsibility rests with the traitor.
The first thing I suggest to anyone facing infidelity is to seek some advice right away. I cannot stress enough the importance of this. The sooner you get in, the better. If you’re experiencing depression and anxiety, which is very normal during a time like this, it’s okay to consider taking some short-term antidepressants along with anti-anxiety medications. Taking medicine is not a stigma; it is also not something one should be ashamed of. Sometimes it just becomes necessary, and that’s okay.
Make sure you take good care of yourself too. Make sure you eat a healthy diet (if you don’t have an appetite I strongly suggest you at least invest in some nutritional shakes like Make sure you stay nourished), exercise right (trust me, exercise is one of the best stress relievers you can do yourself yourself) and try to get enough sleep.
If you suspect that your spouse or partner is involved in an affair and you need help finding out; Until healing, I will do my best to communicate these things to you. I am not an advisor or an expert in any way. I am just a woman with a small voice and I am a victim myself.
