I often hear from wives who are understandably extremely upset to find out that their husband has been cheating on them. Unfortunately, many place at least part of the blame on themselves: Why didn’t they see it? Weren’t they a good wife? Is there something wrong with them that contributed to a seemingly nice man cheating? Worse yet, some of these wives have had failed relationships in the past, so they are more likely to blame themselves and worry that they are now going to be in an endless cycle of bad, hurtful relationships.
One of them might say, “My mother would probably laugh at my situation if she were still alive. She told me not to marry my first husband. She told me I wasn’t a good person, but I ignored her. Turns out, she had a lot of reason about him. I ended up divorcing him in five years. However, I thought I would hit the jackpot with my second husband. We met at a support group because we both had the same illness. My husband was very supportive. I thought that after the pain of my first marriage, I had finally found the one. We were so happy. Honestly, I thought we were still so happy. We are both healthy now and I thought life was good. But last weekend, I found out that I had cheated. It wasn’t a long-term relationship. It was at the end of his treatment that he came out to celebrate. He himself admitted it to me and has begged me not to leave him. He swears he’s never cheated on me before. I feel like a fool. Here I thought it has finally I had found a good man. I don’t know what to do. She loved this man and enjoyed being married to him. But a part of me thinks that something is wrong with me so I can’t maintain a good and healthy relationship. And yet, when I look back at my current marriage to see where it might have gone wrong, I see nothing. I think I have been a good wife and my husband agrees. So why am I possibly looking at two failed marriages? What the hell is wrong with me?”
I’ll admit I’m biased before I even try to answer this question. I have dealt with infidelity. Frankly, I don’t think there is anything wrong with the faithful spouse, at least in terms of infidelity. I admitted that in some matters there were marital problems. But this is not always the case. Some people delude that they are in very healthy and happy marriages. And even when there are admitted issues, there are many other options besides cheating. For that reason, I think the responsibility for cheating rests with the person who cheated. That’s just my opinion. And I’ve learned that there’s no good in blaming yourself. You have tried to take an honest look at your marriage and can say that you were a decent spouse. I’m not sure what else you could have done.
No matter what you see or fail to see when you try to look back, reality is now. The first marriage cannot be changed. You can only learn from it. But now you are in a position to decide what you want to do with your current marriage. However, you don’t need to decide today, tomorrow, or even next week. You can simply gather information, assess how you are feeling, and watch/wait. You could also see a therapist or read some self-help to help you figure out what’s best for you.
It can help to know that people cheat for many reasons that have nothing to do with their spouse or marriage. They cheat when they are in stressful situations (such as illness). They cheat when they have low self-esteem. They cheat when they don’t feel worthy of something. I am in no way advocating deception. All people who cheat make a choice. I’m just trying to reassure you that cheating on a spouse isn’t because of something you’ve done. He turns to them. Not you.
Cheating doesn’t necessarily have to mean more failed marriages, either, if you don’t want it to. Of course, there are never guarantees. Restoring a marriage after an affair is hard work. But in my experience, if you have two people willing, it can be done. This is a very individual choice. Some will decide that the marriage cannot or should not be saved. Some will feel that it is healthier for them to walk away. But others will feel it is more beneficial to at least try to make it work, since they are still interested in at least seeing if their marriage could be saved. Neither decision means there is something wrong with you. It simply means that you are taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you. But a failed marriage and infidelity does not mean that you have irreparable flaws, since marriage is a two-way street that involves two people. And you’re not the one who cheated.
