Maintaining boundaries is a challenge for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been in quarantine with a partner, housemate or family for almost a year. Normally, we could at least create some physical space by going to work, the gym, seeing friends, or even going on outings.
All that has changed. People who have been lonely and alone realize how much they need others. Some couples are closer, while others are headed for divorce. Drug and alcohol abuse have increased, as have mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression.
A recent study from the UK reveals some interesting statistics:
We all have needs for independence and closeness. But when we are close to our partner and family all the time, tensions rise. It is no wonder that domestic violence is on the rise all over the world.
Too much togetherness can make intimacy and sex feel undesirable. On the other hand, many of us are home alone and miss the closeness with family and friends that Zoom doesn’t deliver. For some people in the pandemic, instead of convoluted and entangled boundaries, quarantine has created artificially rigid boundaries because we are alone more than we want to be. It is easier to find balance when we are not alone or with our family or partner 24/7.
However, the limits include more than physical space. We can be thousands of miles from someone and still obsessed with them, or we can be sleeping next to our spouse and feel a million miles away. Therefore, the limits are also emotional. These invisible limits are more difficult to recognize and maintain.
tangled relationships
You may be wondering if your relationship is codependent or interdependent. Without borders, it is the first; the relationship is “entangled”. We don’t know where we end and the other person begins. We are reactive. We project our feelings onto them or feel responsible for their feelings, needs, and sometimes even their actions. We blame and become critical, irritable and defensive.
Limits and Relationships
Emotional boundaries are vital. Relationships don’t work without them. They blur when you don’t have a strong sense of yourself and then start to react and feel responsible for other people’s needs and feelings. You risk getting lost. The couples then become very reactive and have endless big fights.
With healthy boundaries, you feel separate. This allows two whole beings to actually be closer. Other people’s feelings and words do not confuse you or lower your self-esteem.
Boundaries tell someone how you want to be treated. They communicate the behavior you expect. Relationships suffer when your rights, needs and space are not respected. You build feelings that lead to walls instead of flexible limits. So, you lose the closeness that you also want.
Physical boundaries can be helpful, such as recovering from a disagreement and centering yourself. But all the space in the world won’t stop you from obsessing over another person or reacting to a text.
Boundaries can become blurred when we function in multiple roles, such as being in business with our partner or friend. Working from home can create a problem with boundaries. For example, if we can’t focus on our work due to distractions, or if our work “personality” spills over into our relationships. Rather, we might use work to create artificial boundaries in our partner’s space. This can lead to a breakdown in communication.
Boundaries also build trust, because the other person knows you can’t be taken advantage of and that you’re really being authentic. Some people react to your limits with anger or hurt. That indicates that relationship and communication problems need attention. Couples therapy can help.
Set limits
Setting limits is difficult. Codependents often feel caught between feeling resentment when they don’t set limits and when they do. Learning to configure them is a process. First of all, you must be able to identify your needs and feelings. Then you must value them and believe that you have rights. Then develop the courage to express them. Take the time to learn to be assertive.
When we don’t take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to family members. We burn! Creating boundaries in the pandemic requires some imagination. Try to meditate, go outside, do a hobby to make time and space to center yourself mentally and emotionally in a way that is nourishing and rejuvenating.
Sometimes, especially with children and abusers, there needs to be a consequence to enforce a limit. That requires more courage and the right words to say it respectfully and not punitively.
When limits don’t work, there are reasons. For one thing, you need to keep them consistent. How to train a child or a dog. When you allow your rules to be violated, you are communicating that you have changed your mind or that the limit was not important in the first place. When setting boundaries with someone who has a personality disorder, such as borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, the guidelines for dealing with abuse are somewhat different. Get professional help.
© 2021 Darlene Lancer
