Relax moms and dads, this post is not about a hallucinogenic pill. It’s much worse: LEADING SINGER’S DISEASE!
Before I get into that and alienate my vocal siblings though, I want to give you two versions of the same joke, just to show that I can be self-deprecating as well. It’s all in funny singers, so loosen up your leather pants!
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer: 7 – one to do it and six to sit down and say they could have done better.
Okay, how many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer 1: He / She just holds the light bulb and the world revolves around it.
So true, so true, on both counts.
You see, I’ve been playing guitar since I was 13 or 14 (no, I don’t know exactly how old I was, I didn’t plan on walking on water and writing my memoirs to preserve my journey!). I started playing for clubs when I was 18 or 19 (again, the walking on water thing). Now I am quite old (OK, I am 40 at the time of writing this article). So that’s 27 years of playing (I actually sang along with my drummer when I started playing in a band, so that was my LSD period).
Well, 27 years playing with TONS of different singers and you know what? I have only had one singer who did not suffer from this dreaded disease, and it took me 24 years to find her!
You will know you found one when you hear any of the following statements uttered with the subtleties of a lion’s roar when a silly hyena is trying to steal your food:
“Hey, this PA is mine and we’ll play whatever I want.”
“Dude, you sound great, but you’re stepping over my voice.”
“I’m amazing!”
“Everyone is coming to see me!”
“Hey bro, turn my mic up to the max.”
“No man, I don’t do roady things.”
“I’ll see you at the concert.” What it really means is that I’ll see you at the concert 5 minutes before we start playing.
“Steve Perry sucks, man. I can sing that fool any day!”
“Hey me I AM Van Halen, man! “(Sorry this is from my past, I couldn’t help but put it there)
Oh yeah, that reminds me, if they have three names, then you know they’re already chewing on the LSD pill. See: David Lee Roth, Ronnie James Dio, Axel Freakin ‘Rose.
Or, if they have a name, you can bet that LSD is chronic. Look: Elvis, Mariah, Celine, Mikey (just kidding bro, I love you! Little inside joke for me and my gang).
And it goes on and on and on and on and on and on …
So my young guitar hero, how do you deal with LSD?
Like any bad trip that goes wrong, just let it travel … let it travel. And keep saying to yourself: “This is just a fantasy and it will soon be over.”
Seriously, there’s not much you can do because most singers don’t live in reality.
Have you seen American Idol? So many of those people just can’t sing. Simon rips those guys apart and tries to bring them back to this planet, but they NEVER listen! They just say how stupid Simon is, while making 10 billion dollars and they had to take time off at the frying station.
Hey, money isn’t everything, but man got where he is for a reason, you’d think they’d listen to him, follow the free advice, and use it to get better. Well it’s not their fault they can’t, they’re high on LSD!
What strikes me is that I’ve seen singers who just killed a song, listening to themselves on a recording, and I’ve seen them personally, with my own eyes, and I’ve heard them scream with my own ears something like this: “Hell , yeah – I hit it!
Amazing!
So, you can’t criticize them, you can’t show them replaying their debacle, what can you do?
Well, first you have to meet your prey. You have to understand that they are basically naked in front of a group of strangers who hang their wares in front of the world to see. To do that, they HAVE to have thick skin and a great deal of confidence. We have our guitars to hide.
Also, we can feel like shit, be sick, tired, do any number of things, and keep acting as long as our fingers work. Singers, on the other hand, are victims of their voice. His body IS your instrument, so any number of things can improve it.
Besides, we don’t even have to Really listen to ourselves to be able to play in key. And if we can’t hear ourselves, we just turn it up to 11! No singers! It’s about your ability to project. In this day and age, since the eunuchs were outlawed, detection just isn’t going to happen. That is why, as a guitarist, you will hear the inevitable phrase: “Friend, lower it a bit.”
Actually, you have to feel sorry for fools (thank you, Mr. T).
So now that we meet the beast we are up against, what do you do?
I found that the best way to handle this is in the same way that I deal with a 3 year old:
- Use a calm and comfortable voice
- Don’t worry too much (it’s too hard to do)
- Praise the good
- Guide the bad guys with ease
- Stroke the ego a little and paint a picture of greatness
Now this may seem easy to do, but when that son of a bitch is ranting about how lucky you are to have him in the band, that everyone is there to see him, and that your band would be nothing if he weren’t there, he can be a real mutha to stay CALM!
Excuse me, I’m starting to get nervous! Regards.
Let’s say your singer just blew snippets into a song and you feel the need to let her know. You could say something like this: “Man, I liked the part where you (think of something, but it must be believable and it must be something you want me to repeat). The way you did it, man, I think I would do this. (fix the part that you screwed up real) then that would blow people away. Give it a try and let’s see. “
And keep this kind of supportive dialogue going until the LSD wears off a bit (it may never go away).
This is much more difficult to achieve when playing live, but can be done in a break between songs or sets.
Other than finding another singer, that’s all you can do. And good luck finding another singer who is not grieving, remember it took me 25 years!
It goes without saying that if you play in a band or associate with a musician, eventually you will meet someone affected by LSD.
Hey, just like me in the beginning, it can be you!
