Recent evidence from a 20-year study of families that have experienced divorce makes it abundantly clear that many efforts as part of a divorce settlement that seek to specify and establish in a legal code the contact between children and their parents, as well as the extended family members can and will have disastrous impacts on children. Children’s life experiences are not always such that they fit neatly and nicely into a schedule that has room for modification and adjustment. The impact that divorce decrees have on children is long lasting, not easy to deal with, and can create negative growth situations even for the children of the children of the children involved.
A group of parents can make the decision that they no longer want to be married, and the courts will help them to do so. BUT the court system and its officials MUST act in a truly professional manner and have the welfare and future of these children in mind. Sometimes parents and even extended family members engage in a battle to resolve their differences and use children as pawns in that battle. Parents and all parties involved should be encouraged to overcome their own petty ego and revenge needs and carefully consider the welfare of the children involved.
Lawyers should resist the temptation to view a messy divorce situation as a way to spend more time and effort, and therefore earn more money, aiding and abetting a retaliatory battle. Encourage both parents to resolve their differences without a prolonged battle and without infringing on each parent’s access to the children.
The research is particularly specific regarding the need for an ongoing relationship between children and their biological father. The absence of this relationship will have a profound negative impact on the development of healthy self-esteem in the children involved. The court should work to avoid substituting legal language and easily written timetables that may seem impartial and fair in a legal sense but do not take into account the specific and individualized growth and development needs of the children involved. In many cases, older children in particular may need to be given the option to determine for themselves what types of visitation and access work for them and what is best for them.
It seems clear from my own professional experience that many attorneys have done a great service by encouraging divorcing couples to resolve their differences in a way that does not harm children. Often this is done in such a way that the lawyer may not even receive as high a fee as she would have if she had fueled the conflict. On the other hand, I have seen couples and families who might have been able to re-establish their marriage or at least a friendly relationship so that the children would not have to be caught in the middle were it not for the utter insistence of one or more of the attorneys involved. on “make sure you get everything you deserve” or “Don’t give in to your emotions now that you have it exactly where you’ve always wanted it.” Of what great value is it when at the end of a long, long court battle one or more of the parents are so deeply in debt that they cannot even afford reasonable food and housing for their children? If there are serious deficiencies of the parents that may harm the children, this may be a more appropriate issue for Child Protective Services than for the divorce court.
Everyone involved at any level with the issues and process of a divorce should become familiar with the findings of Dr. Judith Wallerstein’s research. The evidence seems to conclude that few if any problems are resolved by divorce and many more are created by the legal battle involved in the divorce process. One set of problems is simply exchanged for a completely different set of problems. The people most directly involved need help to understand the implications of their decisions and how best to address those implications in their own lives and in the lives of their children. Too often, divorce is expected to be a solution to existing problems, but it only serves to create more problems that were not expected. Parents and others involved in the divorce process need to understand all aspects of the situation and not go in blindly, only discover the real truth of the matter after it is too late to do anything about it.
in his book Second Chances further The unexpected legacy of divorce Dr. Wallterstein describes the results of her study on the impact of divorce on children and adults. Contrary to her expectations, she found that when she conducted the follow-up interviews, most of the families were still in crisis. Her wounds were open wide. The confusion and anguish had not abated noticeably. Many adults still felt angry, humiliated, and rejected, and most had not put their lives back together. An unexpectedly large number of children were on a downward course. His symptoms were worse than before. His behavior at school was worse. His relationships with peers were worse. The illusion that she had had, that divorce can put an end to marital conflicts, was shattered. she observes:
“Divorce has a ripple effect that touches not only the family involved, but our entire society. As writer Pat Conroy observed when his own marriage broke up, “Every divorce is the death of a small civilization.” When a family gets divorced, that divorce affects family, friends, neighbors, employers, teachers, clergy, and many strangers. them versus us problem: one way or another, you have been touched by it. Today, all relationships between men and women are deeply influenced by the high incidence of divorce. Children from intact families are nervous about divorce. Teachers across the country tell me their students come to school wide-eyed with fear, saying their parents had a fight the night before and asking in terror, “Does that mean they’re getting divorced?” Radical changes in family life affect all families, homes, parents, children, courts and marriages, quietly altering the social fabric of the entire society.”
Sometimes litigants in a divorce case must be asked two simple questions: “What do you really hope to get out of all this?” and “What is the long-term impact of what you are looking for on the well-being and development of the children involved?” The wishes and needs of children must be considered in all decisions and agreements. It may seem fair to grant visits to parents every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday night. But what impact might that have on the religious life of a child or even an entire family where a religious affiliation is important to their stability, growth, and well-being? Attending one religious affiliation one week and another the following week is more likely to cause confusion, instability, and emotional and spiritual distress, all in the name of equitable distribution. Perhaps Solomon’s wisdom is needed. Remember? Two women claimed a child and to settle the conflict he offered to cut the child into two parts so that each of them would have his part. He knew immediately which mother had the child’s best interests in mind from her quick reaction to stop such action. It may be perfectly acceptable for some kids to have a “mandatory” visit on a school night, but for others it can destroy their ability to succeed in school. There must be room for negotiation and modification to allow for the increasingly complicated schedule that children find themselves in as they grow into their late teens. Somehow, the right of children to make decisions and make their own choices should be a reasonable part of the process and amenable to change rather than set in legalized stone.
Dealing with divorce in a way that allows for and encourages the positive growth and development of children is a difficult process, and indeed may require the wisdom of Solomon from judges and court officials, but the attempt must be made. . do a better job than currently seems obvious.
