Many marriage counselors identify communication as a major problem in marriage. Lack of communication has a devastating effect on the couple, causing emotional isolation. Because communication nurtures the relationship, it is important for couples to acquire this skill to strengthen the marriage bond. It is a way of allowing spouses to meet each other’s needs, while also meeting their own needs.
Men and women have different ways of communicating. This is probably biologically determined. Social education, culture and environment can influence the way people communicate. In certain cultures, women are shy and have difficulty expressing themselves. Men tend to focus on impersonal objective things. Women are more involved in the emotional and personal dimensions of life. Men have difficulty speaking and revealing their inner thoughts. They fight shyly to give compliments.
Communication has several dimensions. Simply speaking makes up only about 50% of all communication. Body language, facial expression, tone of voice can communicate anger, sadness, happiness, and other emotions. Communication is not a mere exchange of information. It can be sharing feelings, details about daily events, discussion about matters that affect the home and family. Unless there is free communication between the spouses, it is impossible to assess what is going on in the other’s mind. Assuming that they love each other and want to keep their partners happy, they must tell each other what makes them happy. One cannot be based on the assumption that the other is a mind reader. Communication must be at all levels and all aspects of their lives. Many decisions must be made in the course of your marital journey. Unless you communicate and make decisions together, life will not be easy. Everyone can have their own ideas on how to tackle a particular problem. Only communication will facilitate decision-making through understanding, negotiation and cooperation.
Ways to communicate:
Speaking and listening are two aspects of communication. The conversation should be warm and loving, not loud or harsh.
“May your conversations always be full of grace.” (Colossians 4: 6)
Hurtful words should be filtered out. Romantic and sexual needs, if not conveyed properly, will end in frustration and a lack of real intimacy. Intimate self-disclosure and expressions of affection bring the couple closer. Sex is considered the highest level of communication.
During the first months of marriage, there is a lot of communication between couples. It is a time of discovery, freshness and novelty. They communicate thoughts and feelings through physical intimacy. They focus on each other to the exclusion of everyone else. This is a time for open communication – the freedom to express thoughts, hopes, dreams, or even failures.
“Partners have to express what they want, what they feel, and most importantly what they think the other wants,” says Richard C. Richard, professor of philosophy.
But as time passes, this openness disappears. Men tend to start talking less. Expressing your love becomes difficult. They do not compliment women on their looks, their attractiveness, or their culinary skills. The woman begins to complain: “He never talks to me. We used to have a lot to say to each other.” Now the conversation revolves around worldly matters, household needs, money, budgets or children’s school fees. If you both have busy jobs and come home late at night, you are not in the mood to talk. It is easier for a woman to text her husband that dinner is ready, even though he is in the next room reading the newspaper or watching television.
On being a good listener:
The listener must pay full attention to what the other is saying. Inattention can kill communication. Frequent interruptions or unsolicited advice can disrupt the flow of communication. The entire message must be heard first. If there are doubts, they can be clarified later. If opinions differ, there should be room for discussion so that they can come up with a mutually satisfactory solution.
How to fight constructively:
It is important to note that spouses are not enemies. They both hit the same side. Arguments are part of every marriage. But couples must develop a healthy communication technique and argue in a loving spirit. The idea is to recognize and understand the other’s point of view. There should be no threatening gestures, name calling or abusive language, exaggeration or guilt. Words that give another pain leave horrible scars.
Annoying problems should not hide under the rug. They should be discussed in an atmosphere of equanimity, with a view to a resolution.
“Do not let the sun go down on your anger” is a healthy biblical exhortation.
Even if you disagree, there must be mutual respect for each other’s point of view. “Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger” and “speak the truth with love” are important points to remember. If there is an upsetting problem, “Bringing the problem out into the open can cause a temporary crisis,” says psychologist Neville Vines, “but if that crisis prompts a frank conversation, it helps the couple develop skills and knowledge to deal with future conflicts. Every time a couple overcomes a problem, it strengthens their marriage, because they learn that they can resolve differences. “
If you are too lazy about your needs, there is no hope that they will be met. A woman who feels abandoned should report this to her husband. “I wish we could spend more time together.”
A man who feels that his wife is not interested in his work might say, “I like it when you ask me about my day.”
Silence creates a barrier between couples. Cut the communication. A verbal stalemate leads to pent-up anger, poor communication, hurt feelings, and drives a wedge between relationships.
There are times when communication doesn’t need words. A husband and wife can be sitting together on a couch watching television. Their mere proximity to each other can be a way of communicating that they love being together. There are times when there is no need for words. Body language speaks for itself. The comfort of physical closeness, a hug or holding hands assures the couple that they are one. Doing things together, listening to music, going for a walk are also forms of communication.
Good communication skills ensure that spouses build each other’s self-esteem.
