It’s that boring old American beat: build someone; knock them down. And then once they’re down, demand a comeback. No return, no legend. No tickling, no clothes.

And who better to take down these days than “Landy Cakes” Donovan, in 1999 the googly-eyed wunderkind at Bayer Leverkusen, now a decade later, a 29-year-old divorced white male who recently said after his latest return from Europe: and his decision not to return to Everton: “I need to rest and recover … I’m tired.”

Tired? Why the hell is he tired? After all the praise, after all the curtsies and scrapes to his prince, after that hail-mother-of-god goal in South Africa, why would you think he’d still be racing Nitro?

Or have you had enough of European foul play? Was it too difficult in the end …

Hey bartender, get me another Rooney. Or better, do you have Zidane?

If Zidane is at one end of the spectrum, Donovan is at the other.

Hence the argument that if you want to win a World Cup these days you don’t need babies floating down the Nile in Adidas bags, you don’t need prodigies, you need immigrant alley boys, relentless fatherless boys, dead … boys looking and always a bit grumpy, boys who, on second thought, enjoy violence.

(This is why MLS needs Mike Ditka. This is also why this country needs the Dream Act.)

Donovan is old school. A great player perhaps, but from a bygone era. It is the difference between Jane Austen and Lady Gaga. It comes from that time when a trip or a push pulled soccer moms out of their folding chairs in a state of rage.

On the other hand, what a life it has been. Over the 11 years into his senior career, Donovan has scored 203 goals in 471 appearances. And look at the individual honors, including but not limited to: US Player of the Year: 2003, 2004, 2009, 2010. MLS MVP, 2009. Everton Player of the Month, January 2010. AND ESPN SportsNation Awesomest Dude 2010.

Awesomest Dude?

In an interview with the New York Times last March, Eric Wynalda noted: “If he is the best we have, hopefully he will try to be the best he can be, in Europe, and not take the easy way out in MLS. We’ve tended to put him on a pedestal and say, ‘Look what a great player we have in this country,’ and then Landon avoids trying it. “

When could you start to see this coming?

After the 2006 World Cup, we started to see Dr. Donovan and Mr. Landon: the shy Donovan who was almost invisible against the Czech Republic, but the dominant midfielder against Italy.

When asked that year if he would return to Europe, he was quoted as saying: “I would probably become a better soccer player just because of the daily grind, but I would not be a better person.” He would not be a happy person. It would be pretty miserable. “

Sound like someone who wants to be a better player?

The truth may be that Donovan never liked Europe, on any level. He once said the food was “bad” and talked about how much he missed Americana: the burger, the beach, and the women.

And then there was that little Beckham thing, when Mr. Spice’s guy came to the Galaxy and Donovan claimed to Sports Illustrated that Beckham didn’t like the quality of the game between his teammates and was not subtle with his condescension.

I, for my part, remember that first game with the two of them. Donovan had always taken corner kicks and free kicks. But with the first corner kick of the game, Beckham explained that there were some changes.

And in body language, he added, “and the little Landy Cakes, if you stand there, it will all soon become apparent …”

Here’s something psychopathic: In 1999, on a Florida golf course, Donovan mistook an alligator for a rock. If not for his coach, he would be playing in the Olympics in a wheelchair.

So will we forgive the kid who maybe just wants to go back to Manhattan Beach, walk down The Strand, watch girls volley with balls, reconsider a life?

But wait a minute, there is another thing. From the tabloids: Donovan, whose 2010 salary was $ 2,127,778, dwarfed in MLS only by David Beckham, is suing his ex-wife for spousal support and attorney’s fees. His ex-wife, Bianca Kajlich, is an actress. You definitely saw the ever-memorable Halloween: Resurrection.

What kind of man is that?

Time to head butt, folks.

My prediction for 2011: Landon Donovan, always the object of bipolar desire, you love him when he dials and you hate him the rest of the time, he will start to fade from view. There will be no return.