Being a parent comes with countless challenges. First she comes up with what her crying really means in the first few months, then she hits the terrible stage of the two and ascends into troubled adolescence and beyond. Every stage of parenting is something extraordinary. Add to the mix of all this having to do it alone as a single parent. This makes it much more of a struggle and a testament to our strength as parents when it is all worth it.
And yes, I dared to call the father of my absent son. There is no better word I can use to better describe what it is like for our son. But in case you, the father of our son, read this and have any better suggestions for a different word that you can use, feel free to let me know. But just so you know, I won’t hold my breath.
Yes, we met in the most controversial way that could only spell trouble if we ever ended up having something to do with each other, and yes, you knew I never wanted to have anything to do with what could become of the two of us, but you. got away with words. Eventually you took me where you wanted me to be. And even though I knew it was so bad, I kept playing. We had our things on and off when we felt like it. I reached a point and walked away. Little did I know that I had left with this blessing that is my child within me.
I hated you. Growing up, I had a dream of having a good education, finding myself a good job, and a good man to start with. One with whom he would raise a beautiful family. So here I was, expectant and denying that I had ended up having your son and had not thought about sharing a future with you. For this, I hated you so much. I wish I woke up to the news that something strange had happened to you so that your memory would be permanently erased. I was so blinded by rage that all I did was obsess over the fact that I hated you so much. Keep in mind that I was not angry with you for what you and I were not going to be, I was angry with you for my son. I was angry that one day my son will ask tough questions. And I will have no choice but to give you answers.
I don’t know exactly when all the hate went away. I cannot point to any specific situation that caused the pain to fade. It was just a mix of confusing days and events that led me to sympathize with you for the beautiful moment in raising our son that you were missing out on and eventually reached a point where I could forgive you. After all, I left you, I CHOSE to end us, but you are the one who chose to abandon our son. You are the one who has never tried hard to be the father of our child. And I just realized that I feel sorry for you. I have had the honor of seeing it all for the first time. I am the one who cries when he is hurt. I’m the one who’s excited to see at the end of the day. I am the one who looks so deeply in the eyes as a sign of gratitude for who I am in his life. You are missing everything. And I pity you. You don’t even know how sweet he is and how loving he is. He’s the sweetest being, and let’s face it, he gets it all from me.
I forgive the fact that we didn’t raise him together. I was forced to grow, to get going. I was thrown into a world where I was awake most hours of the day, where I was ecstatic to buy a new sippy cup, and where I had to make plans for myself and our son’s future. I forgive the fact that you are a shitty person because it has made me a better mother. I love him twice as hard and I will give twice to make up for everything you lack. Every day I wake up and hope to get better for him. I have something to look forward to because of him, and he has a lifetime ahead of him with infinite possibilities and limited disappointment at your absence from his life.
I feel sad about the inevitable feelings of sadness and doubt that he will have about himself because of you. My only goal is for him to have a happy life, and I don’t think I could have given him that if you were a part of it. I will make him understand that he has a father in heaven who is there for him and loves him unconditionally. I know you will most likely never read this, but on the off chance that I do, thank you for my son. He is the love of my life, and without you, he would not exist. I pity you for not experiencing the greatness that he is, and I forgive you for the privilege of raising him alone. Please do not confuse this with making excuses for the fact that my son has no father. I don’t forgive this, and I’m sure he won’t either. That is something that you have to live with and that you will have to deal with when your life draws to a close. I hope he tortures you the way he tortured me before letting me go. I pray that in the not too distant future, God will bless us with the father figure that he and I deserve.
